Why is everything so damn hard?  Why can't I just get some willpower and stick with it?  What is my problem?  It's Friday night and it's raining basically a shitty, rainy night.  Will I go to the gym- I doubt it.  Of course I should because right now my pants are feeling snug and I caught a look at my butt in the mirror and was not pleased.  I know I will probably buy some beer tonight- why, why.  Why do I do this?  Is it boredom, nerves, anxiety?

The other night someone teased my boyfriend and told him I was an alkie.  This person was only joking, they have no idea.  If only they knew.  I wonder what my boyfriend would think.  I imagine he would be horrified.  I don't want him to know.  What if we ever live together- what am I supposed to do then?  I can't just hide it or sneak around and I don't want to.  That's why I need to get this shit under control now.  I don't want to go back to AA.  I just want to be a normal drinker and no more of my nightly drinking alone rituals.

I am so angry and disappointed with my self.  I feel like such a loser.