I'm on antabuse now, which means I CANNOT drink any alcohol.  It was my decsion to start taking it.  I need to stop and try and be sober.  I am not happy though.  All I think about is drinking and I'm mad that other people can drink but I can't.  I'm not good at not giving into my cravings.  I pray I get through this.  It's been 2 weeks without alcohol.

For the last week I have rarely drank.  I had two beers yesterday spaced out between about 8 hours.  I think it helps that I have been sick. I haven't felt like drinking and I am happy for that.  I did buy some beer today, why because it is a long weekend.  I know that is a lame excuse.  I don't want to get back into my old habits though. 

I went to a function yesterday and was seated with someone who drank the whole time.  I lost count of how many beer he had, it may have been five or ten.  I think it's safe to say it was a lot. I could tell he is an alcoholic.  Many of his coverstations included alcohol, either stories of him drinking or something to do with alcohol.  I don't want to be that guy.  I think that is why I chose to only have one drink.  Because when I get that warm feeling I lose my will and just want more.  I don't ever want to be seen as how I viewed him.

This morning I went to brunch and order a diet soda.  My father was surprised I did not order anything alcoholic as if he thought it was unusual for me to drink soda instead of beer.  His reaction through me off guard.  I didn't think I was that outward with my drinking as if I always needed alcohol during a dinner.  Again I don't want to seem like "that lush". 

 

Why is everything so damn hard?  Why can't I just get some willpower and stick with it?  What is my problem?  It's Friday night and it's raining basically a shitty, rainy night.  Will I go to the gym- I doubt it.  Of course I should because right now my pants are feeling snug and I caught a look at my butt in the mirror and was not pleased.  I know I will probably buy some beer tonight- why, why.  Why do I do this?  Is it boredom, nerves, anxiety?

The other night someone teased my boyfriend and told him I was an alkie.  This person was only joking, they have no idea.  If only they knew.  I wonder what my boyfriend would think.  I imagine he would be horrified.  I don't want him to know.  What if we ever live together- what am I supposed to do then?  I can't just hide it or sneak around and I don't want to.  That's why I need to get this shit under control now.  I don't want to go back to AA.  I just want to be a normal drinker and no more of my nightly drinking alone rituals.

I am so angry and disappointed with my self.  I feel like such a loser.

I have nothing to be sad about- but I am feeling a lingering depression today.  I am still drinking, why I don't know.  I really have to just not buy beer or if I drink just in social situations.  I have such good intentions but I always make excuses or give in mentally.  Like tonight, I tell myself I will not buy alcohol.  I will do some errands, go home and then go to the gym.  I am so sick of feeling so frigging dependent.  Why do I have no willpower.  I really want to control this.

I wish I could say I have been controlling my compulsion to drink but I haven't.  On a plus size I did join the gym.  Some days are better than others.  Right now I am not depressed but extremelly, extremelly anxious.  I don't know why, I just can never get my nerves to calm down.  There has been tension at work and when I feel stressed I go home and drink.

I keep making excuses for myself saying "I will stop after New Years".  "I will stop after this week." and now my latest "I will stop after my birthday"- which is Feb. 1.  What is my problem?